A modern Christmas.

I can't guarantee that all (or even any) of the jokes in here will be suitable for younger viewers, but hopefully they'll all be funny!!

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Brian Steers
Command Sergeant Major
Posts: 503
Joined: Tue Nov 08, 2005 4:12 am
Location: Milton Keynes

A modern Christmas.

Postby Brian Steers » Tue Dec 21, 2010 6:46 pm

Christmas jingles under assessment by the Health & Safety Executive.


1. Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way .

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


2. While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around .

The Shepherds Union has complained that it breaches Health and Safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around he/she must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows .

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities act, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


4. We Three Kings
We three Kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star .

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold', etc - gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.


5. Away in a Manger
Away in a manger
No crib for a bed.

DHS should be immediately contacted as mangers are not suitable places of rest for newborn babies due to unsanitary conditions, sharing with animals, lack of proper ventilation and no access to running fresh water and heating. Therefore, under no circumstances, should a
manger be used as a crib.

A risk assessment should also be carried out before allowing animals to occupy said manger - are there tethering facilities, running water and food receptacles. If not, the manger should not be used and the animals should be removed and housed elsewhere (but still not with the Baby Jesus).


You must be fully cognisant of your responsibilities re a full declaration/conflict of interest considerations/asset register.

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